The best explanation I have seen of the transition we are going through was offered by David Deida. It was taught to me by Mark Joseph-Serra. Traditional 1st man is strong, powerful, decisive, protective, logical, problem-solving, rational, assertive, sporty, incisive, practical, courageous, sexually assertive and loving. His unhealthy manifestation of masculinity is aggressive, abusive, dominating, controlling, dissociated, bullying, shame-ridden, callous, egotistical, untrustworthy, addicted and isolated. Traditional 1st woman is loving, caring, embodied, sensual, intuitive, aware, feeling, nurturing, kind, protective, receptive, enabling, empowering, empathic, sensitive and sexually receptive. She is the bedrock of community and relationships. Her unhealthy manifestation of femininity is expressed as passivity, submissiveness, dependence, anxiousness, inability to set boundaries, unwillingness to take care of herself and lack of self-esteem or identity.
As women became educated and empowered, feminist woman threw off the shackles of patriarchy. Feminist 2nd woman took on masculine characteristics. She is empowered, confident, independent and pursues her own career and life choices. She is free to choose partners and her way of life and to decide whether or not she wishes to be a mother. New man emerged, the son of the feminist. He is taught to reject his masculinity because of its shadow side and to embrace his feminine side. New 2nd man has a strong feminine dimension. He is sensitive, spiritual, collaborative, creative, yielding, open and respectful. In its negative manifestation, he lacks confidence, is weak, unable to defend himself, protect his family or set a boundary, indecisive and impractical.
Traditional man and woman are attracted to one another. Feminist woman and new man often don’t attract one another or are ambivalent. Where it works, she is the penetrative, dominant one and he is the submissive, receptive one. Often 2nd women has mixed feelings. She may still fancy the 1st man though she rejects his masculinity. She may like the 2nd new man but not fancy or respect him. 2nd man will often fancy 1st woman but not have the confidence to attract her.
Out of this state of affairs emerge 3rd men and women. They consciously embody the healthy expressions of both their masculinity and femininity and work hard to master, heal or transcend the negative manifestations. This process of empowerment and consciousness follows closely the pattern of empowerment from victim-perpetrator-rescuer consciousness to creator-challenger-coach consciousness.
Each person naturally is responsible for choosing their own gender identity and particular manifestation of masculinity and femininity. However, we should promote the positive and healthy manifestations and discourage the unhealthy. We should offer good role models as parents, teachers and wider society. We should celebrate the positive role of mothers, fathers, husbands and wives, boys and girls with modern rites of passage. We should be highly flexible, accepting and empowering of the full healthy diversity of expression of masculinity and femininity, men and women, boys and girls. We must also make space for the minority of people who identify as either transgender or transsexual who should be respected, accepted and supported to find their chosen way of being.